Sexless marriages are becoming more common in today’s society, even though we live in a world that seems obsessed with sex. Everything from movies and music to everyday conversations and jokes is centered around sex and sexuality. In such a sexually charged environment, couples who aren’t frequently intimate can feel confused, sad, or even abnormal. If you and your partner are experiencing a lack of intimacy, it can be a real concern. If you’re feeling lost and unsure how to navigate this situation, this article is here to help. We’ll explore the causes and effects of sexlessness in relationships and offer some practical advice on how to overcome it.
Often, the reasons behind sexless relationships aren’t immediately clear even to the people involved. However, certain behaviors tend to trigger this decline in intimacy. In this article, we’ll dive into some of the surprising behaviors and causes behind sexless marriages.
Recent studies show that nearly half of married couples report having little to no sexual activity. This is not an uncommon issue; it can happen to anyone if the right triggers arise. The tricky part is that a sexless marriage doesn’t usually have a specific starting point. It’s not something couples can mark with a calendar, like “this started today.” Instead, it often creeps in unnoticed, and before you realize it, intimacy has faded. Many couples can’t pinpoint the exact cause or trigger, but certain factors and behaviors are often at play.
What is a sexless relationship?
Sex is often viewed as a key element of physical intimacy within a relationship. A sexless relationship is one where partners either do not engage in sex or do so very infrequently. While some define a sexless relationship as having sex fewer than 10 times per year, most experts agree that the ideal frequency varies between individuals. No set number universally applies to all couples.
Research shows that sexlessness is more common than many might think. For instance, a U.S. survey revealed that 14% of men and 10% of women had no sexual contact for a year. Meanwhile, a study in Australia found that 54% of married men and 27% of married women were dissatisfied with how often they had sex. While this dissatisfaction can negatively impact relationships, it’s not the only factor contributing to unhappiness.
That said, if you and your partner are engaging in less sex than usual but are both content with the situation, there may be no cause for concern. A lack of sex becomes an issue only when one partner desires more intimacy but feels unable to pursue it, creating an unintentional disconnect.
Sexless Marriage: 6 Common Causes
In many cases, specific behaviors, even if unnoticed, can act as triggers for a sexless marriage. Let’s take a closer look at these behaviors and how they contribute to the lack of intimacy.
Unequal Division of Household Chores in a Sexless Marriage
In a sexless marriage, the unequal distribution of household chores often plays a significant role in reducing intimacy. Many women connect their sexual desire to their stress levels. When they feel supported with daily responsibilities, they are more likely to be open to physical connection. However, when one partner does the bare minimum such as only taking out the trash or avoiding child-rearing altogether resentment can build up. This lack of balance and appreciation often leads to rejection when intimacy is initiated. The partner feeling overwhelmed may think, “You don’t help around the house, yet you expect sex?” Such everyday frustrations can be a significant factor in creating a sexless marriage.
How Bedroom Habits Can Trigger a Sexless Marriage
Excessive TV or Internet Use in the Bedroom
Another common trigger in a sexless marriage is excessive use of TV or smartphones in the bedroom. While having entertainment options in the bedroom might seem appealing, spending too much time watching TV or browsing the internet can reduce opportunities for intimacy. When one or both partners focus on individual entertainment rather than shared moments, the emotional and physical connection can weaken. As the bedroom becomes a place for personal enjoyment, intimacy dwindles, which can contribute to the development of a sexless marriage.
Lack of Communication: A Key Cause of Sexless Marriages
Effective communication is vital in any relationship, especially in maintaining sexual intimacy. In a sexless marriage, couples often stop communicating openly, which can extend into the bedroom. The more conversations a couple has, the stronger their emotional connection, which can lead to more physical intimacy. A lack of conversation, however, creates a disconnect that can result in physical distance. As the saying goes, “A lack of conversation is the beginning of a lack of sex.”
Parenthood and Breastfeeding: How They Impact a Sexless Marriage
Post-childbirth changes, particularly breastfeeding, can significantly contribute to a sexless marriage. Hormonal shifts after childbirth especially the increase in prolactin, a hormone that promotes milk production often reduce libido in new mothers. Co-sleeping with the baby further alters the bedroom dynamic, shifting the focus away from intimacy and toward childcare. This change in priorities can make it more challenging to maintain a sexual connection, adding to the growing distance in a sexless marriage.
How Refusing Sex Without Explanation Can Lead to a Sexless Marriage
Refusing a partner’s sexual advances without offering a clear reason can be a powerful trigger for a sexless marriage. When one partner simply says, “Not tonight,” without explaining why, it can leave the other person feeling rejected and confused. Over time, repeated refusals without communication can cause emotional distance. This lack of clarity often leads the initiating partner to stop trying, which can eventually create a sexless marriage.
The Role of Adult Media in Sexless Marriages
In some sexless marriages, one partner may rely too heavily on sexual techniques learned from adult videos or magazines. These media often portray unrealistic and exaggerated scenarios that may not align with the preferences or comfort levels of their partner. When these techniques are imposed in the relationship, they can cause discomfort, leading to a decline in sexual activity. Over time, this disconnect between expectations and reality can contribute to the development of a sexless marriage.
How Daily Life Stressors, Health, and Cultural Factors Contribute to Sexless Marriages
title for this Daily life stressors, such as paying bills, work pressure, managing household chores, raising children, and juggling various other responsibilities, can leave your partner without the mental, physical, or emotional energy for sex. When overwhelmed by these demands, intimacy often becomes a lower priority.
Mental and physical health challenges also contribute to a decline in sexual activity. Chronic health issues like diabetes, chronic pain, or other long-term illnesses can make sex physically difficult or uncomfortable. Similarly, mental health issues such as depression or anxiety can reduce libido. Medications prescribed for these conditions can further dampen sexual desire, leading to less frequent intimacy.
Poor relationship quality is another common factor in sexless marriages. When a relationship is strained by conflict or lacks emotional closeness, sex may feel like an unwanted obligation. In these situations, partners are less likely to initiate or enjoy intimacy.
Age can also play a role in sexless relationships. While not all older adults experience a decline in sexual activity, many do report having less frequent sex. Interestingly, older men and women tend to be less dissatisfied with the decrease in sexual activity compared to younger adults, possibly because their expectations change as they age.
Cultural and religious influences are another important factor. Cultural norms and religious beliefs can shape how individuals view sex within a relationship. For example, studies show that Asians, particularly the Japanese, have the lowest frequency of sexual activity globally, while Europeans, especially Greeks, have the highest. This difference is largely due to the more sexually liberal attitudes in many European cultures. Additionally, some religions may place less value on sex or promote it solely for reproduction, which can contribute to less sexual activity in relationships.
“When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.” — Dr. Ruth
How to Overcome a Sexless Relationship: 5 Key Strategies
The seeds of a sexless relationship often take root in the routines of everyday life. To prevent it from becoming irreparable without realizing it, it’s a good idea to reflect on your behaviors first. These negative effects can be challenging and may lead to pressure to resolve the situation quickly. However, now is the time to pause and think carefully. The first step is to determine if this issue is a concern for both you and your partner. If it is, you need to work together to find a solution that suits both of you. Here are some tips to help guide you:
- Open Communication in a Sexless Relationship: In a sexless relationship, communication plays a crucial role in resolving intimacy issues. Talking openly about your feelings and concerns is essential to bridging the gap. If communication has become strained, establish clear strategies or rules to ensure both partners feel heard and understood.
- Identifying the Causes and Effects of a Sexless Marriage: To overcome a sexless relationship, it’s important to pinpoint when the lack of intimacy began and what factors contributed to it. Understanding these causes and the emotional and physical effects allows both partners to work together to find a solution that suits them.
- Rebuilding Connection Through Quality Time in a Sexless Marriage: Scheduling time for each other is vital in healing a sexless relationship. Setting aside regular date nights or planning intimate moments can help reignite the emotional and physical connection. By prioritizing shared experiences, couples can rebuild their bond.
- Focus on Physical and Emotional Intimacy in a Sexless Relationship: In a sexless marriage, it’s common for sex to become the main focus, leading to pressure. Instead, it’s important to nurture all types of intimacy physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual. Building closeness in these areas can help reestablish the foundation for a more intimate relationship.
- Seeking Therapy to Address a Sexless Marriage: In some cases, resolving a sexless relationship on your own can be challenging. Seeking couples therapy or sex therapy can help address deeper issues and provide professional guidance. A therapist can help both partners understand the root problems and develop strategies to improve intimacy and communication.
References
J. Brito, “Sexless Marriage or Relationship: What Causes It and How to Fix It,” Healthline, https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexless-marriage (accessed July 26, 2023).
D. Donnelly, E. Burgess, S. Anderson, R. Davis, and J. Dillard, “Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis,” Journal of Sex Research , vol. 38, no. 2, pp. 159–169, 2001. doi:10.1080/00224490109552083
A. Smith et al. , “Sexual and relationship satisfaction among heterosexual men and women: The importance of desired frequency of sex,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy , vol. 37, no. 2, pp. 104–115, 2011. doi:10.1080/0092623x.2011.560531
D. A. Donnelly and E. O. Burgess, “The Decision to Continuing an Involuntary Single Relationship,” Journal of Wedding and Family , vol. 70, no. 2, pp. 519–535, 2008. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00498.x
